Flattered, I'm sure.

"Even the bravest of us rarely has the courage for what he really knows..."  ~Friedrich Nietzsche
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."  ~Hubert H. Humphrey


Hang on to my every word,cling to each letter and number.If ever the tides could stop, it's now.
Permit not your wide eyes to wander,not your disquieted heart put asunder,and imbibe that which you would allow.
Expect no tales of adventure,nor emotional quencher,and through Truth I'll not endeavor to plow.
Forget what you've heard,I'll carry on undeterred.Please don't let it wrinkle your brow.
~Me  

When Pigeons Attack

So, I'm lying in bed flipping through the TV channels before falling asleep.  I see Kathy Griffin doing stand-up and can't resist watching.  I think she's vulgar and tasteless and I LOVE HER!   Not to mention how hella-funny she is.  

A few minutes later, she pokes fun at an incident that happened back in Sept. 20, 2007.  OK, I guess I have been out of touch, since this is the first I've heard of it.  Apparently, the Miracle Theatre (billed as a "Christian theatre troupe"  back in my hometown of Pigeon Forge, TN) didn't approve of her Emmy acceptance speech.   In response the theatre placed a $90,440 ad in USA Today.  $90,440!!!  Isn't that a lot to spend just to set up another round of jokes from the very comedian that you're trying to chastise?   There are many things I miss about Sevier County, TN...  and I am reminded there are things I don't. 

Individuals and groups have "taken a stand" over lesser issues.  I think this is just funny because I am familiar with the community involved.    As far as the "Christian theatre troupe"... I am not saying the terminology is necessarily a non sequitur.    It seems a little to me like they may be trying to sell religion in the form of a flash-bang spectacle.  The miracle they seem to be forgetting about is "free speech".  

Besides, I know Pigeon Forge theatres.  There are many different theatres and shows in that small town, but they all have a few things in common.  The very same young men who are dressing as devils and saints, are wearing angels' wings and flying about above the stage, and are dancing and singing about the Word across an elaborately lit stage... well, lets just say on their days off they are practicing a different religion.

Here's a link to the ad:

 http://www.miracletheater.com/MiracleTheaterUSA3.pdf 

Vultures of the Dead Sea

So, I'm walking through the mall.  Suddenly through the crowd an Israeli woman grabs my hand and pulls me over to a cosmetics stand: Dead Sea Salts or something like that.  While I clearly indicated my lack of interest in her product(s), she explained what a wonderful gift her nail polishing blocks would make for my wife/fiancee/girlfriend.  (Sorry, dear, not really a selling point!)  She filed and polished my nail with extraordinary speed.  I was shocked at how quickly she rattled off her sales pitch in heavily accented English.  The real wonder was the blur of her hands, which would have made Houdini quite proud.   In mere seconds she had shined my right thumbnail to a ridiculous lustre.  She explained that it will stay extremely shiny for many weeks, and without traditional nail polish.  For the low price of $29.95 the kit (filing/buffing/polishing block, cleaning cloth, and essential oil) could be a perfect gift for my wife/fiancee/girlfriend.   

[Aside: What is an essential oil and exactly when did this vogue come about?  If I haven't needed such an oil for the last 27 years, it seems a little excessive to call it "essential" now.  Yes, I realize the base of the word comes from "essence," but is still seems to create a double entendre that only serves a marketing team.]

Indeed, my nail was VERY shiny for about a month and a half.   Just great.

Since then, I have viewed the sales people at the the little stands in the mall to be something of a plague.   Not all of them, mind you.  The AT&T guy may ask "What cell phone service do you have?" as your walking past, or the gentleman at the perfume/cologne stand may look up from his laptop as you walk by to exclaim of their "Buy one-get one free offer"... all innocuous, really. The very worst are those individuals that find it appropriate to thrust scented pillows in your face, slick odoriferous lotions on your hands, or polish one of your fingernails to a ridiculous level of luminosity.  

I actually have a friend who would hide on the other side of me when walking past these boundary-less sales people.   There has to be a way to regain control of one's shopping experience.

THE SOLUTION:

When you are approaching one of these sales people, their advances can be halted with a couple of simple steps.   One of the following suggestions may be enough to stop them in their tracks.  The most persistent among them, however, may warrant the use of several (or all) of the following suggestions (listed in order of severity).

• Cough gently into your hands
• Sniffle and casually touch your nose while making brief eye-contact with the sales person
• Sneeze into your hands (for added efficacy, double over while sneezing)
• Relieve an itchy nose by running you nose along your arm (from wrist to elbow and back)
• "Adjust yourself" or scratch yourself in an "unmentionable area". (I've never needed to escalate to this level.  Usually a casual cough or sneeze does the trick and they target another innocent passerby.)

[DISCLAIMER:  I offer this advice free of charge.  The author accepts no responsibility for any individual using these methods.  Please be aware that bystanders may view these actions to be exemplary of poor hygiene, poor health, or poor taste.)

Happy Halloween!

The Omaha Symphony's "Symphony Spooktacular" concert prompted many of the musicians to wear costumes.  There was even a costume competition, which upped the ante a little.  In the past I have used Halloween costumes as an outlet to voice political opinion (such as Satan W. Bush a couple of years ago and the Lame Duck last year).   I doubt there is anyone who isn't inundated with politics at the present time (CNN tells me it is 2 days and 4 hours until the first polls close).

[Aside: I think countdowns are ridiculous.  OK, I can deal with the last 10 seconds before the New Year, but beyond that, "No Thanks!"  Countdown to Election Day, countdown to first polls closing, countdown to Olympic Games opening ceremony, countdown to the New Millennium... maybe we should start keeping countdowns between countdowns.   What do you think: "Countdown to the start of the Summer Solstice Countdown."  Or even better, what don't we simply reverse our method of timekeeping?  Then our whole lives could be one giant countdown.  Talk about not living "in the moment".] 

As I was saying... instead of a politically charged Halloween costume, I decided to make something goofy and fun (and oddly appropriate for a symphony concert).  Here's a couple of pictures:

There were lots of really great costumes.  Among my favorites were a spot-on Sarah Palin "Global warming isn't our problem at all, it's just God trying to hug us a little closer" and a really awesome Wall-E costume.  Dorah the Explorah, Batman, and Indiana Jones also made appearances at the concert.   

Meet Ginger!

So, exactly 2 weeks ago we have drove down to pick up our new little puppy.  We named her "Ginger", and she is the cutest thing ever!   My original intent for the blog was to be able to post pictures of her for friends and family not in Omaha to be able to see her... but I have fallen short.  Here are a few pictures from the last couple of weeks.  When we first got her she was pretty tiny and only about 7 pounds.  I weighed her today and she's 13 pounds!  Her feet have already started to get kinda giant, too.

Here are her numbers (at 7 weeks old):

Head circumference - 15 inches, which is in the 78th percentile.

Weight - 13 lbs, 2 oz, which is in the 98th percentile.

Height - 11 inches, which is in the 90-95th percentile.

[DISCLAIMER: The statistical data above was constructed for satirical purposes only.  The author does not assert any claim to its accuracy or relevance to Great Dane growth and development.]