Snow Blows!

It's Autumn.

Really, the title says it all.  We just had our first real snow.  I had forgotten how really charming the Omaha winter is.  The most depressing this is that it technically is still Autumn.  BAH!  

I have a broom.

I am sure my neighbors thought I was a retarded Southerner when they looked out their windows and saw me with my little broom sweeping the sidewalk and porch and car.  They have snow-blowers and snow shovels and other miscellaneous tools of arctic survival.   "I gots me a broom."

And a go-cart.  

I have always liked driving small cars.  I haven't needed a big SUV or pick-up truck to feel manly (besides, I'd need a whole fleet).  Small cars have better fuel economy and handle better. Why should you "get in" your car when you can "put on" you car?  But my car drives in the snow like a go cart.  It's like a cross between Mario Cart and sledding.   It would probably be scary if I could actually see the stuff I was sliding towards.  Isn't it handy that the defrost hardly works at all, so I'm slouched over looking through a small vision porthole that I maintain by rubbing my hand on the windshield?  Awesome.

And no hair. 

 I have been losing my hair basically since puberty.  I used to have the thickest, waviest, nappiest hair a white dude can have.  A buddy in college used to call it "Republican Hair."  HA!  I always hated my hair, and I guess it sensed the hostility because it began leaving.   I actually have never lost sleep about losing my hair.  It's just hair after all.  The best part: there's no indecision about hair cuts or styles.  So, why am I writing about this?  Because yesterday I realized that even thought I don't have too much hair, and not one single hair on my head is longer than 1/4"... it can still look CRAP-TASTIC when I take off my toboggan.   Isn't it kinda ridiculous to be balding AND have hat-hair?  Thanks, Winter.

And some fruit flavored rocks.

Yeah, so we went grocery shopping.  When we got back home, we forgot a bag of apples and bananas in the car.  In a hospitable climate, we could have just gotten them out of the car and eaten them.  Not here.  When we remembered them they had frozen solid and turned various shades of brown.  Cool.

And a beautfiful back yard.

"But the snow is so pretty," you say.  Or,"It's like living in a snow globe."  Better still: "What a beautiful winter wonderland." Here's a picture of my back yard.  It's awesome.

And and secret life.

 I googled myself today because a lady told me she had done "internet research" about me and I was wondering what that would reveal.  The second hit was titled "NHG Pornstar Database." The sixth hit was a 44y.o. professional boxer.  There was also a CEO of Union Square investment and an insurance agent.  Apparently there's also a "me" in Wassila, Alaska (the prestigious home of that Palin idiot) who drives poorly and rear-ends old women on the highway. I wonder which of these people the lady thought I was.

And I gotta go!

Three Men and a Little Lady

Remember that  movie?    Well, change the little lady to a puppy and subtract a man, and that's what life's been like for the last couple of months.

Ginger is sickeningly cute, and growing so fast.  She had her second vet visit yesterday for her third round of shots.  She's now 30 lbs. about about 18" tall at the shoulder.  I said I'd never buy clothes for a dog,  I even made fun of many an unfortunate pet that was clothed by it's owner.  Today I did it.  I bought Ginger a wool lined suede jacket.  There's something wrong with me.    I saw it while walking through a thrift store and had to buy it.  I'm not going to post pictures of her wearing it, though, because I think that would add insult to injury.

The last 2 months with a puppy have been fun, but challenging.  We've both locked ourselves out during middle-of-the-night trips outside.  We've cleaned up lots and lots of puppy poop and pee.  Two of my colleagues have young children, and I have a new-found sympathy for them.  I thought it'd be fun to do a puppy/baby comparison.

Puppy:  You have to walk outside in the cold, rain, or snow so it can poo, pee, or just frolic in the grass to frustrate you.

Baby: Poos and pees in diapers.  Needs frequent cleaning, but not terribly urgent if you don't mind that smell.

Puppy:  You can dump some food/water in a couple of bowls and proceed to scramble your eggs and brew coffee while it eats.

Baby: Best case scenario - you go to the fridge and get some recently pumped breast milk.  Worst case scenario - it hangs off your chest, chewing on your nipples until it's full.

Puppy: You can teach to fetch and retrieve.  Can get shoes, newspaper, find drugs and bombs, and even assist handicapped people (or are they still called "differently-abled"?)

Baby: Wait years and you might be able to convince it to do household chores.  It'll likely do them with little reliability and only when bribed with an allowance or under threat of punishment.  This arrangement will break down in the teenage years when it's no longer cool to help, be seen with, or even acknowledge the existence of mom and dad. 

Puppy: May scratch or bite you.  May destroy or eat any or all of the following: homework, shoes, phonebook, furniture, carpet, or landscaping.

Baby: May scratch or bite you.  May destroy or eat any or all of the following: homework, shoes, phonebook, furniture, carpet, or landscaping.   (when grown) Will never drive "safe enough" as far as you're concerned.  Will never raise their children the way you'd want them too.  Would likely not marry someone you deemed "good enough."  May not give your the grandchildren your really hoping for, or may give you grandchildren before they graduate high school.  

Puppy: Puppy class, clicker, unlimited supply of treats.

Baby: Preschool, public school or private?, PTA or PTO, school dances, bake sales, parent- teacher conferences.  Band, Dance, Cheer leading, Wrestling, Football, Soccer, and/or 4-H.  Prom, senior pictures, and graduation.  College, student loans, changing majors x times, graduate school.

SCORE

Puppy - 4

Baby - 1

In other news, I had to go to Wichita to fix a sink in my house that had been broken.  That sucked.  Funny part, however, was that the plastic bolts were completely stuck under the sink (I found that out after taking out the whole sink and trying to remove the faucet.)  They were completely immovable.  I didn't know of a better way to remove them, so Dr. Smith's amazing Swedish valve oil (T-2) came to the rescue.  He didn't invent it or anything, but he is a huge fan of it... it is really good stuff, after all.  I'm still waiting to see him on a late night TV infomercial (alla Ron Popeil) selling little bottles of the stuff for the LOW, LOW, PRICE OF $19.95. 

Anyway, I soaked the plastic bolts with the valve oil and set them on fire.  They melted and fell off.  Handy, huh?  Here's a picture of them all ablaze:

We are currently getting our first real snow.  I hate snow.  I also can't stand Nancy Grace.  Do you ever watch her show and wish it was her body the police were searching for?  ummm... yeah... me either.  

Another Picture

 I don't think I'll make this a habit.  For one reason, I should turn the computer off and be productive.  A better reason, because it's really hard to write in cursive with the touch pad and that darn little pencil thingy.    Anyway, here's another Audra picture revisited (oddly, it keeps the fishy them).  Aren't we all glad that we're both musicians and not visual artists?!?!

[Here's the original picture]

Elision Goes Country!!!

5/5 + Country music +5(festive costumes) =

I miss you guys!  Merry Christmas!!!

So my friend Audra draws these funny pictures to illustrate her blog.  I thought it would be funny to commemorate the return of these pictures in a recent post by taking one of them, editing it to completely change the scenario, and then posting it on my blog.  Here ya go:

[Here's the original picture]

Yeah, this is really what I've been doing instead of practicing, cleaning, or the myriad of things I should have gotten accomplished today.

Ginger Pictures

So it's been a while.   Here is a video and some pictures of Ginger.  If it looks like she's getting smaller, it's because the picture upload reversed the chronology of the pictures.  It's funny to notice how wide the collar looks on "little Ginger" compared to on "bigger Ginger."  She really got legs overnight!  One day she was a short, pudgy puppy, and the next she was tall and slender (why can't that happen to me?!?!)  I would never have thought a dog could grow this much in a month... sheer craziness!

Flattered, I'm sure.

"Even the bravest of us rarely has the courage for what he really knows..."  ~Friedrich Nietzsche
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."  ~Hubert H. Humphrey


Hang on to my every word,cling to each letter and number.If ever the tides could stop, it's now.
Permit not your wide eyes to wander,not your disquieted heart put asunder,and imbibe that which you would allow.
Expect no tales of adventure,nor emotional quencher,and through Truth I'll not endeavor to plow.
Forget what you've heard,I'll carry on undeterred.Please don't let it wrinkle your brow.
~Me  

When Pigeons Attack

So, I'm lying in bed flipping through the TV channels before falling asleep.  I see Kathy Griffin doing stand-up and can't resist watching.  I think she's vulgar and tasteless and I LOVE HER!   Not to mention how hella-funny she is.  

A few minutes later, she pokes fun at an incident that happened back in Sept. 20, 2007.  OK, I guess I have been out of touch, since this is the first I've heard of it.  Apparently, the Miracle Theatre (billed as a "Christian theatre troupe"  back in my hometown of Pigeon Forge, TN) didn't approve of her Emmy acceptance speech.   In response the theatre placed a $90,440 ad in USA Today.  $90,440!!!  Isn't that a lot to spend just to set up another round of jokes from the very comedian that you're trying to chastise?   There are many things I miss about Sevier County, TN...  and I am reminded there are things I don't. 

Individuals and groups have "taken a stand" over lesser issues.  I think this is just funny because I am familiar with the community involved.    As far as the "Christian theatre troupe"... I am not saying the terminology is necessarily a non sequitur.    It seems a little to me like they may be trying to sell religion in the form of a flash-bang spectacle.  The miracle they seem to be forgetting about is "free speech".  

Besides, I know Pigeon Forge theatres.  There are many different theatres and shows in that small town, but they all have a few things in common.  The very same young men who are dressing as devils and saints, are wearing angels' wings and flying about above the stage, and are dancing and singing about the Word across an elaborately lit stage... well, lets just say on their days off they are practicing a different religion.

Here's a link to the ad:

 http://www.miracletheater.com/MiracleTheaterUSA3.pdf 

Vultures of the Dead Sea

So, I'm walking through the mall.  Suddenly through the crowd an Israeli woman grabs my hand and pulls me over to a cosmetics stand: Dead Sea Salts or something like that.  While I clearly indicated my lack of interest in her product(s), she explained what a wonderful gift her nail polishing blocks would make for my wife/fiancee/girlfriend.  (Sorry, dear, not really a selling point!)  She filed and polished my nail with extraordinary speed.  I was shocked at how quickly she rattled off her sales pitch in heavily accented English.  The real wonder was the blur of her hands, which would have made Houdini quite proud.   In mere seconds she had shined my right thumbnail to a ridiculous lustre.  She explained that it will stay extremely shiny for many weeks, and without traditional nail polish.  For the low price of $29.95 the kit (filing/buffing/polishing block, cleaning cloth, and essential oil) could be a perfect gift for my wife/fiancee/girlfriend.   

[Aside: What is an essential oil and exactly when did this vogue come about?  If I haven't needed such an oil for the last 27 years, it seems a little excessive to call it "essential" now.  Yes, I realize the base of the word comes from "essence," but is still seems to create a double entendre that only serves a marketing team.]

Indeed, my nail was VERY shiny for about a month and a half.   Just great.

Since then, I have viewed the sales people at the the little stands in the mall to be something of a plague.   Not all of them, mind you.  The AT&T guy may ask "What cell phone service do you have?" as your walking past, or the gentleman at the perfume/cologne stand may look up from his laptop as you walk by to exclaim of their "Buy one-get one free offer"... all innocuous, really. The very worst are those individuals that find it appropriate to thrust scented pillows in your face, slick odoriferous lotions on your hands, or polish one of your fingernails to a ridiculous level of luminosity.  

I actually have a friend who would hide on the other side of me when walking past these boundary-less sales people.   There has to be a way to regain control of one's shopping experience.

THE SOLUTION:

When you are approaching one of these sales people, their advances can be halted with a couple of simple steps.   One of the following suggestions may be enough to stop them in their tracks.  The most persistent among them, however, may warrant the use of several (or all) of the following suggestions (listed in order of severity).

• Cough gently into your hands
• Sniffle and casually touch your nose while making brief eye-contact with the sales person
• Sneeze into your hands (for added efficacy, double over while sneezing)
• Relieve an itchy nose by running you nose along your arm (from wrist to elbow and back)
• "Adjust yourself" or scratch yourself in an "unmentionable area". (I've never needed to escalate to this level.  Usually a casual cough or sneeze does the trick and they target another innocent passerby.)

[DISCLAIMER:  I offer this advice free of charge.  The author accepts no responsibility for any individual using these methods.  Please be aware that bystanders may view these actions to be exemplary of poor hygiene, poor health, or poor taste.)

Happy Halloween!

The Omaha Symphony's "Symphony Spooktacular" concert prompted many of the musicians to wear costumes.  There was even a costume competition, which upped the ante a little.  In the past I have used Halloween costumes as an outlet to voice political opinion (such as Satan W. Bush a couple of years ago and the Lame Duck last year).   I doubt there is anyone who isn't inundated with politics at the present time (CNN tells me it is 2 days and 4 hours until the first polls close).

[Aside: I think countdowns are ridiculous.  OK, I can deal with the last 10 seconds before the New Year, but beyond that, "No Thanks!"  Countdown to Election Day, countdown to first polls closing, countdown to Olympic Games opening ceremony, countdown to the New Millennium... maybe we should start keeping countdowns between countdowns.   What do you think: "Countdown to the start of the Summer Solstice Countdown."  Or even better, what don't we simply reverse our method of timekeeping?  Then our whole lives could be one giant countdown.  Talk about not living "in the moment".] 

As I was saying... instead of a politically charged Halloween costume, I decided to make something goofy and fun (and oddly appropriate for a symphony concert).  Here's a couple of pictures:

There were lots of really great costumes.  Among my favorites were a spot-on Sarah Palin "Global warming isn't our problem at all, it's just God trying to hug us a little closer" and a really awesome Wall-E costume.  Dorah the Explorah, Batman, and Indiana Jones also made appearances at the concert.   

Meet Ginger!

So, exactly 2 weeks ago we have drove down to pick up our new little puppy.  We named her "Ginger", and she is the cutest thing ever!   My original intent for the blog was to be able to post pictures of her for friends and family not in Omaha to be able to see her... but I have fallen short.  Here are a few pictures from the last couple of weeks.  When we first got her she was pretty tiny and only about 7 pounds.  I weighed her today and she's 13 pounds!  Her feet have already started to get kinda giant, too.

Here are her numbers (at 7 weeks old):

Head circumference - 15 inches, which is in the 78th percentile.

Weight - 13 lbs, 2 oz, which is in the 98th percentile.

Height - 11 inches, which is in the 90-95th percentile.

[DISCLAIMER: The statistical data above was constructed for satirical purposes only.  The author does not assert any claim to its accuracy or relevance to Great Dane growth and development.]

It's a Girl!!!

We're having a baby... kinda.  Actually we've had a puppy, and she's almost completely weaned from her mother (we should be bringing her home either this weekend or early next week). She's a fawn-colored Great Dane, and now she's about 5 weeks old.  I'll post some pictures of her and her puppy family.  We're not sure what her name will be.  Any ideas?  

Puppy:

Brothers and Sisters:

Daddy:

Momma:

Vive la Différence!

 I worked at an IHOP during the 9/11-inspired vogue of calling french toast "freedom toast."  Every time a customer said "I'll have freedom toast, scrambled eggs, and bacon" I wanted to scream (or at least pour hot maple syrup in their hair).  

OK, lets "Rally behind the flag," "Support our troops," "Show our national pride," or whatever.  Be careful, however, because this sentiment can be (and has been) taken too far.  I took this picture at at a gas station in Nebraska City during our move to Omaha.  It is a product being advertised on a condom dispenser.

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

[I'll preface this story with: My immediate neighbors are really quite nice and friendly.]

The first night that Greta was missing, I absolutely could not sleep.  During the night I kept getting up and looking around thinking that maybe she would have returned.  Then, at about 3:30am I went driving around the neighborhood looking for her.  It was dark and a pretty useless cause.  I saw a lady walking alone and very quickly (she was definitely walking with a purpose), so I didn't ask her if she'd seen my dog -- she didn't seem approachable.  Then I turned the corner and saw another much friendlier lady.  She was smiling and waving, you could say she was walking with a different purpose.  This was exactly one block from my house.

Here's the tally:

3:30 AM

North Omaha

Lady, alone on street corner, smiling and waving

It's probably best I stay indoors after dark.  (For what it's worth, she didn't look like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman.")

Gone But Not Forgotten

Back in September, Jack, Greta, and I moved to Omaha.  We are nicely settled in our new home (although we are STILL waiting on furniture that we ordered about 6 weeks ago!)  The first month was groovy, but October has proved more difficult.  3 fish that we had for at least 3 years all died, one of the fish was a beautiful Rainbow (Melanotaenia Duboulay) that our friend Jennifer had given us way back when we lived in Cookeville.  We had moved the fish with us the last 4 times we moved.  They all died on the same day, which I think was a result of poor water management (although I'm not pointing fingers...)

Then Greta got out of our yard.  There was a break in the fence that neither Jack nor I had noticed.  We looked for three days, reported her missing at the humane society.  Then the Nebraska Humane Society called and said they had found her.  Jack and I were SO excited we grabbed her leash and rushed to the shelter -- we couldn't get there fast enough.  Then the nice lady at the counter told us she was deceased when they found her.  She had been killed in traffic about 6 blocks from our house.

In the last 6 years, Jack and I have had many pets: zillions of fish, frogs, crabs, snails, anemones, crawfish, 2 turtles (Tootle-One and Tootle-Two), 2 ducks (Dolly and Fafner).  You just don't get attached to other animals the way that you do with a dog.  Greta was the best companion we could have hoped for and she'll certainly be missed.

Thrown Under the Bandwagon

OK, I have started a blog.  I have purchased my one-way ticket to "Bloggerdom" and am getting ready board the plane.  On the trip, I'll not get a package of over-salted peanuts.  I probably won't even  pick up any cheesy post cards, thimbles, shot glasses, or other souvenirs. At least I didn't have to take off my shoes at a metal detector!

Unlike the millions of other bloggers flying on Babble Airlines each day, I do not ACTUALLY think that I have much to say.  I'll just try to get a window-seat, and enjoy the trip.